The Shine Journal

SURVEY, IN DEPTH 

by

Robert Laughlin

 
Marjorie answered the phone in the living room. “Herb’s still at work and I got home early. It’s just you and me, cutie.”
 
“Ma’am, I’m afraid you have me confused with someone else.” The polite baritone didn’t belong to Herb or any of his friends.
 
“Oh, man, I’m sorry. I thought...who are you?”
 
“We’re conducting a survey, ma’am.”
 
“Look, I’m on the Do Not Call list.”
 
“We’re not selling anything, ma’am. This is a survey, and it’ll take only a few minutes.” The caller’s voice reverberated noticeably. Poor guy, thought Marjorie, they gave him an office with no acoustic tiles, probably no windows.
 
“What do you want to know?”
 
“We’d like to ask you some questions, to find out if you’re likely to buy a second home in the foreseeable future.”
 
“A realtor put you up to this.”
 
“No, ma’am, we’re not selling anything. We’d just like to know if you’re likely to buy of your own initiative, your own free will.” There was a discernible oaring sound on the caller’s end. Wherever he works, thought Marjorie, the climate control makes a lot of noise.
 
“Alright, I can give you a few minutes. Shoot.”
 
“Are you married, ma’am?”
 
“Yes.”
 
“How long?”
 
“Going on fourteen years.”
 
“Do you have any children?”
 
“No. No children.”
 
“What is your household income?”
 
“Uh...”
 
“Pardon me, I’ll put that differently. What is your annual discretionary income, money left over after necessities?”
 
“Not enough to buy another place, even if we wanted to.”
 
“Are you sure? You do manage the household finances.”
 
“No, Herb does. He says it’s all we can do, paying off the mortgage we’ve got.”
 
“The future can bring many changes, ma’am. I believe you said you have a two-income household. Can you tell me when you work and what it is that you do?”
 
You remember too much, thought Marjorie. “I’m a checker. I work a five-hour shift at Rite-Aid, and get off at six.”
 
“And your husband gets home before you do.”
 
“Yeah, he usually gets home at five-thirty. He works out of the office a lot, so it isn’t a sure thing. Is this gonna take much longer? We’re having shrimp-coconut curry, and I want to get it on the stove before Herb shows up.”

 “Not much longer, ma’am. You’re going to split a fresh coconut yourself?”
 
“Yeah. I’m not the passive, helpless female type.”
 
“Ma’am, one of the commonest reasons to buy a second property is to follow sporting interests. Are you and your husband outdoorsy types?”
 
“Herb is.”
 
“What exactly does he do?”
 
“Fishing, mostly, on public land.”
 
“Do you stay home then?”
 
“No, I go along to cook his catch, and keep an eye on him.”
 
“Does he hunt also?”
 
“Sometimes.”
 
“With guns borrowed from friends?”
 
“No. We’ve got two rifles and a shotgun at home.”
 
“I see. Another common reason to buy a second home is to have somewhere to live while on out-of-town business. Is your husband away a lot?”
 
“Yeah, but he doesn’t leave town. He’s a computer repairman.”
 
“Does he work for Geek Squad, or one of those other big firms?”
 
“No, he’s a freelancer. Got his own office across town. No partner—nobody sees him come, nobody sees him go.”
 
“Alright, ma’am, I have just one more question. People buy another home to trade up, or just to move out of a home that isn’t to their liking. Are you atisfied with your current living arrangement?”
 
“Satisfied?”
 
“I didn’t mean that improperly, ma’am.”
 
“Well, I...that is...”
 
“Only God is omniscient, ma’am. I have to ask.”
 
Marjorie almost hung up. The caller had a knack for asking questions that unsettled her. But he had such a pleasant voice...and this question, she
finally decided, was one she wanted to answer.
 
“No, I’m not satisfied. It’s a tract house in an old development. It needs landscaping, new carpets, a new fridge, new paint just about everywhere. It’s got all new wiring; Herb wanted the best for his PCs at home. We haven’t fixed up anything else since we moved in, and that was twelve years ago. For what it’s worth, I think he spends a lot of money...on other things.”
 
“I see. I see. No more questions, ma’am; we have enough information now. Thank you for helping us with this survey—we know that your time is limited.”
 
“Glad to help out, but you shouldn’t have bothered. There’s no way I’m buying into another place.”
 
“Ma’am...don’t be so sure.” The caller hung up.