The Shine Journal

Saying Goodbye

by

Wayne Scheer

I thought I saw you last night while Paula and I made love.  I closed my eyes, not wanting to remember.  But for an instant you were there beneath me, your lips open to my kiss, your breasts pressed against my chest. 

It's bad enough I see you disappearing into crowds or driving by in the opposite direction.  The other day I nearly lost it at work when I saw you.  You smiled at me and vanished, taking the form of a stranger needing help with her computer. 

It's been almost two years since you died.  I watched the cancer ravage your body, turning you old before your thirtieth birthday.  I had your remains cremated.  I couldn't bear the thought of the mortician trying to recreate the beauty that was you out of the emaciated frame you had become.  I cried as I let the tide carry your ashes out to sea.  We met at the beach at Montauk Point; it seemed fitting that I leave you there.

But you've refused to stay.  At first, I liked that you had remained part of my life.  I took solace in sensing you lying next to me at night and waking beside me in the morning.  For months, I refused to wash your pillowcase for fear I'd forget your scent.

Our friends and family worried about me.  Finally, I agreed to see a grief counselor and attend a support group.  That's where I met Paula.

I've told her about you.  Too much, I'm sure.  Still, she listens and even cries with me when I can't bear the pain.  She, too, lost her husband.  A boating accident four years ago.  She misses him, but she's no longer as obsessed as I am.  I look to her to see where I might be in time.

I don't want to lose her.  I need her friendship and her affection, but I can't expect her to remain with me if you're there when we make love.

I thought saying goodbye at the hospital those last few days as you drifted in and out of consciousness was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do. 

But I must say goodbye once more.  

Motivation:I have no conscious idea where this one came from.  All I recall is writing the first sentence and telling its story.  I love it when that happens.

Bio: Wayne Scheer, a past contributor to Shine Journal, has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize and a Best of the Web.  His work has appeared in a variety of publications, including The Christian Science Monitor, Notre Dame Magazine, The Pedestal Magazine, flashquake, Smokelong Quarterly, Pindeldyboz, Flash Me Magazine and Camroc Press Review.  Revealing Moments, a collection of twenty-four flash stories, is available as a free download at http://www.pearnoir.com/thumbscrews.htm.  Wayne lives in Atlanta with his wife and can be contacted at wvscheer@aol.com